8 Ways for Hard of Hearing People to Survive Holiday Parties

Editor: You’ve met Randy Collins (randy.collins@NAU.EDU) on these pages a couple of times in the past. Here are his suggestions for surviving holiday parties. Hope you enjoy them as much as I did!

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December 2002

1. Take boxes of megaphones and ask everyone to use them.

2. Stuff your cheeks with wads of cotton and wear a sign saying “I’ve just had oral surgery. Sorry I can’t talk.”

3. Announce to the room that you’ve just returned from a cruise in Florida and you’re not sure you are over your gastro-intestinal illness but you are fairly sure the illness is contagious.

4. Wear little band aids all over your face and hands and casually ask a few people if they are familiar with small pox symptoms.

5. Call 911 on your cell phone just before arriving at the party and complain about a party getting out of hand. By the time you arrive the police will be there and along with everyone else you can politely leave.

6. Borrow a 2 year old (twins if you can get them) from a friend. Take him, her, them to the party and announce that you are watching the children of a sick friend.

7. Take a thick old book, hold it with your hand over the title and tell everyone you’ve just discovered a new religion, it’s wonderful and you can’t wait to share the good news with them.

8. Place a white mouse on your shoulder. (I actually know a guy who used to do this.) Not a lot of people are going to want to talk to you and those that do will be asking obvious questions – “Why the mouse?”