A deaf ear can keep a marriage happy

By Terry Marotta

May 2009

Editor: I think all of us know that some aspects of hearing loss can be pretty funny. I, for one, really appreciate folks who are able to point out the humor in relationships, and Terry Marotta is one of those folks. Terry is an author, columnist, and speaker, and she has given her kind permission for us to share this article with you. You can see more of her work at:
http://www.terrymarotta.com
http://www.terrymarotta.wordpress.com/

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A little deafness goes a long way toward keeping folks married.

Oh, I guess other things also help, like for example, (A) not sweating the small stuff. Does HE leave a mess around the sink after shaving? Does SHE leave the door of the medicine cabinet partly open so you bang your head on its sharp little corner when you come back up from that last "spit" in tooth-brushing? Say nothing of these wrongs; rather, right them yourself and get on with your life.

Also B) not bickering over the right way to do a thing, because the two of you will never agree. Instead, wait 'til the other guy is out of the room and quietly undo what he has done.

Example: My mate thinks the nasty looking sponge-and-brush-and detergent-bottle combo should sit up on the counter next to the sink, which blows all to hell my doomed hope that this kitchen of ours could ever look like the stage set for a fancy cooking show.

So what do I do? The minute he leaves the room I put that ugly stuff down into the sink and out of sight. The minute he returns, he sets them back up. Not a word is ever spoken on the subject. It's like Kabuki dancing, without the costumes.

And yet both peace-keeping strategies pale before the efficacy of deafness.

Deafness, whether real or feigned, gets millions of us married people out of doing things we don't want to do.

It also keeps us out of fights because we all say things we don't mean at times. If the insulted party can utter a "Sorry, I didn't catch that," the mean-speaking one gets a chance at the do-over and who doesn't need that in life?

And it's exactly what the doctor ordered if you find yourselves squabbling in bed at day's end.

I couldn't understand why any of the arguments I tried to have with my mate in bed were so unsatisfying - that is, until the night he told me he could either look at me or listen to me but not both. Turns out he'd been lying on his good ear for 30 years' worth of late-night fights.

My favorite tale of marital deafness though comes from my sister, Nan who, widowed in her mid-40s, fell in love with and eventually married a widower 13 years her senior. She joked tirelessly about what a saint she was for signing on to see him through his twilight years.

One day not long after the wedding, Nan was standing in their kitchen while not 10 feet away, her groom sat with his back to her, watching the Early News on the tube.

"Are you done in the bathroom?" she asked him. She'd throw all the towels in the washer if he said yes.

"Not anytime soon," he said without turning around.

"Uh, OK. Well, when WILL you be done in there?"

"Maybe by Tuesday."

She turned and gave a deadpan look to the cat, who gave it right back to her.

"Chuck, what I'm asking is, are you done in the bathroom?"

"There's a 30 percent chance," said Chuck - at which point Nan put her head down to reach for a pot in the lower cabinet and muttered, "It's gonna be a long 20 years..."

"I heard that!" cried Chuck and there she was, caught red-handed talking behind his back to the cat - AND offering the proof: