hearing spouse complaints about spouse with hearing loss
- part 1
People who are married to persons with hearing loss share life
experiences that are unavailable to persons married to normally hearing
spouses. If you are in this situation, I think you will react to many of
the following discussions with a nod and a smile.
By the way, if you'd like your favorite story listed here, please
send it to me at larry@hearinglossweb.com.
My spouse calls me from another room
My Spouse Walks Away in the Middle of a
Conversation
My Spouse Can Hear When He Wants
My Spouse is Always Asking me to Make Phone Calls
My Spouse Never Wants to Go Out
My Spouse Doesn't Let me Know that He "Got
It"
I Have to Wake My Spouse Up
For years, when my wife would call me from another room, I would get
up and go see what she wanted. I had done this for so long that it
seemed like the natural thing to do. I never called to her from a
different room. This wasn't because of any high-minded ideal, but simply
because she couldn't hear me, so I would be wasting my breath!
Then we went to a seminar about relationships involving a hearing
person and a person with hearing loss. Our
relationship was pretty good at that point, and we had never really done
anything special because of my wife's hearing loss. I don't even
remember how we happened to go to this seminar, but it was the start of
a huge education for both of us about how hearing loss impacts
relationships.
One thing I learned that really surprised me was that hard of hearing
spouses
hate it when their hearing spouse calls to them from another room. They
hate it because they have to drop what they're doing and go see what the
spouse wants. They consider it disrespectful. I thought, "Yeah,
that is kinda lousy." Then I realized that I had been doing the
same thing.
The group talked about this, and we decided that calling to the other
person from the other room is a bad practice for either partner in a
relationship between a person with a hearing loss and a hearing person.
My wife and I are in the middle of a conversation, when she up and
walks away! I was practically in mid-sentence! I have no idea what's
going on, but I go running after her.
I'm a little upset at what I perceive to be a total lack of respect.
"That's not like her." I think as I run after her.
Maybe I'm a little abrupt when I finally catch up to her. I don't
think so, but it's possible. Anyway, later she tells me that she felt
attacked when I confronted her.
Fortunately we were able to nip this potentially explosive situation
before it went any farther, but sometimes people aren't so lucky.
What happened here is that my wife thought the conversation was over.
I can't in my wildest speculations understand how she could have thought
that, but then, I had access to different information than she did.
This is an example of how MISUNDERSTANDING can be a much more
dangerous and insidious problem than not understanding. When a person
doesn't understand, he can take action to help himself understand. When
he misunderstands, no action is necessary, because he understands, even
if what he understands is not what happened.
Sometimes hearing spouses claim that their hard of hearing, late
deafened, or oral deaf spouse can hear when she wants to. Early in our
relationship, I sometimes thought the same thing. It sure seemed to me
that one day my wife would hear just fine, while the next day, in an
identical situation, she couldn't hear or understand at all.
I have since learned that there are a number of reasons for this
apparent contradiction.
The simplest one is that the environments were different. I have come
to understand that people with hearing loss are much less in control of
their hearing than are hearing people. Those of us with normal hearing
have a remarkable ability to tune out things that don't interest us and
focus on what does. We can do that even when the thing we're tuning out
is nearly as loud as the thing we're focusing on.
The other day I was in a meeting with two other hearing people and a
late deafened man who was wearing his hearing aids. The meeting had gone
on for about 15 minutes, when suddenly, the late deafened man JUMPS up,
RUSHES across the room, and shuts down the computer. He must have
understood how strange that appeared, because he sheepishly explained
that the computer fan made it totally impossible for him to understand
what we were saying. That was a real eye-opener, because I had been
completely unaware of the fan. We talked about it and realized that none
of the hearies was the least bit aware of the fan.
Another explanation for what appears to be erratic hearing is the
physical and mental state of the person with hearing loss. Someone who
understands everything without apparent effort over breakfast may have
to struggle to get a word or two over dinner. For those of us with
normal hearing, communications is effortless. The sound just flows into
our ears and gets processed.
For people with hearing loss, however, communication is hard work.
Have you ever noticed someone staring at your mouth, in an attempt to
lipread what you're saying. The depth of their concentration is obvious.
It's little wonder that they are exhausted and less able to function at
the end of the day.
Finally, some people's hearing does fluctuate dramatically with time.
People with Meniere's disease often exhibit this characteristic, as do
people with other hearing disorders. It's important in these cases to
understand that this natural fluctuation in hearing is in addition to
the other factors that can cause variations in a person's ability to
"hear".
My experience with people with hearing loss is that they struggle
every minute of every day to understand as much as they possibly can.
Those of us who question their effort do them a great injustice.
