hearing spouse complaints about spouse with hearing loss - part 2

my spouse expects me to make phone calls for her

Sometimes I'd really rather not make ANOTHER phone call for my wife. I don't even like making my own phone calls, much less making them for someone else.

Many of the issues involving spousal relationships between a person with hearing loss and a person with normal hearing seem pretty clear to me. I look at the situation and the "right" or "fair" resolution virtually jumps out at me. (This is not to claim that it really is "right" or "fair", only that it clearly seems so to me.) Anyway, this issue isn't one of those. I think this is an issue that each couple needs to resolve for themselves. So, while I can't offer a recommendation here, I can tell you what I do and explain some options.

I don't think I've ever refused to make a call that my wife has asked me to make. I don't like using the telephone, but I do like doing things for my wife, and most of the time that greatly exceeds my dislike of the phone.

Sometimes it doesn't. In those situations I try to make the call promptly and cheerily. I'm sure there have been times when my displeasure has crept through, but I think they're pretty rare.

So why, given that I don't like using the phone, do I choose to respond like this? I've already said that most of the time, the pleasure of doing something for my wife greatly exceeds the displeasure of being on the phone. Another reason is that my wife understands how I feel and doesn't ask me to call for her if there's another convenient solution.

So we've reached a good compromise that works well for both of us. If this compromise works for you, or if you just love talking on the phone, then this isn't an issue for you. But if this is an issue in your relationship, there are some options.

One great option is to use email. For my wife and I, it's a wonderful tool. I much prefer email to making or receiving a phone call, and my wife much prefers it to having me make or receive a phone call. Similar comments apply to other modern tools, including fax and internet chat.

Another option is for the person with hearing loss to use a TTY and relay. It is possible to satisfy all of your telephony needs using a TTY and the relay service. As our page on the relay explains, however, it isn't always convenient to use.

The last option is some old-fashioned compromising and/or horsetrading. Perhaps the person with hearing loss could try to restrict requests to the more important calls; perhaps the hearing person could work to experience the joy in helping the spouse; perhaps a services exchange could be discussed.

This can be a difficult issue, and compassion and understanding on both sides are required to reach a good resolution.

person with hearing loss doesn't want to go out

One of the common problems between all couples is differences in the desire or need for social interaction. Often one spouse wants to go out much more often than the other. This situation can be exacerbated by hearing loss in one of the spouses, and it is normally the hearing spouse who wants to go out more often. Any ideas why?

There are a couple of common reasons why a hard of hearing, late deafened, or oral deaf person may prefer staying home to going out.

The most obvious reason is because he can't understand the movie or TV or conversation or play or lecture or whatever the social event is. The hearing spouse must be aware of this situation and sensitive to it. Imagine spending an evening chatting with friends, but you didn't understand most of the discussion. How boring and frustrating would that be? Imagine further that you had to PRETEND to understand; sometimes you had to respond to questions that you didn't really hear about topics that you really weren't clear on. Does that sound like a fun, relaxing evening, or does it sound like the evening from hell. If your hearing impaired spouse doesn't want to go to your company party, this might be part of the reason.

Another common reason that spouses with hearing loss prefer the solitude of home is that they may be tired. Simple communication is much more difficult for a hard of hearing, late deafened, or oral deaf person than for a normally hearing person. After a full day of communicating, she may be EXHAUSTED when it comes time to go to the movie.

So what's a good solution here? As with most other spousal issues, there is no right or wrong answer. So much depends on the personalities involved. Understanding each other's needs in important. Your spouse needs to understand that this company dinner is very important to you. You need to understand that she would prefer a root canal to attending that dinner.

Whatever you can do to make the situation less stressful for your spouse will increase the likelihood that she will attend. Refer to the section on Communication for some tips on what you can do to reduce her stress.

This is also a situation that can benefit from compromise. Your spouse might agree to attend your dinner if you'll cook and clean the kitchen for a week. Too much?? Maybe. That depends on your personalities. But you did say the dinner was important to you, right??

person with hearing loss doesn't let me know she "got it"

One of the occasional sources of frustration in our marriage will probably sound like a small thing to you. Sometimes my late-deafened wife doesn't let me know that she "got it", that she understood what I was saying. In the overwhelming majority of situations, it's very clear to me if she understands what I'm saying or not. But every once in a while, I don't have a clue. What's even worse is that I don't know if she's doing something different, if I'm doing something different, or if we're both doing something different.

So, I just said something that I thought was pretty important. After all, I don't talk just to hear myself speak. My wife needs this information, and I don't know if she got it. If she got it, and I say it again, she may get angry because I'm going on and on and repeating myself and being redundant and saying the same thing over and over. On the other hand, if I assume she got it and she didn't, she's not going to meet me for lunch tomorrow (or whatever I'd just said).

So what do I do? Every time I'm not sure, I risk being redundant by saying it again, usually using different words. Most of the time, I'm rewarded with that warm, fuzzy feeling that we have communicated. But also, most of the time, she had understood before, so my repetition wasn't necessary.

On rare occasions, I get yelled at for being redundant. I think that's a small price to pay for ensuring that we have really communicated.

Besides, many of the things I have to say are WORTH repeating!

my spouse expects me to wake her up

Fortunately, I'm an early riser. I say "fortunately", because one of my jobs is to get my wife up. Being late deafened, she has no clue when the alarm goes off. She will quite happily sleep right through it. So I have taken on the responsibility of getting her up in the morning.

This is generally not a problem, because I'm normally up before her anyway. But one man I know really doesn't like always having to wake his late deafened wife.

"So why don't you buy her a visual alarm clock, or a vibrating alarm clock?" I asked.

"Because she doesn't think those things would work", he replied.

I understand that some people can sleep through the visual alarm clocks, although the flashing lights would have me awake in a heartbeat. But I really doubt that someone's going to sleep through one of those vibrating alarm clocks. It's like being in an earthquake.

When I explained this to my friend, he hemmed and hawed for a while. At that point I realized that this wasn't really about getting up in the morning. There was something else going on there. We never went into this any further, and he continues to awaken his wife in the morning.

If that works for them, fine. But he did say that he didn't like doing it, so I imagine it's causing stress in their relationship. If we ever get back to this subject, I think I'll recommend that they try to explore why they don't try one of the visual or vibrating alarm clocks. I do think it's important for the hearing spouse to help the hard of hearing, late deafened, or oral deaf spouse with things that are difficult or impossible for them to do, but I don't think that is the case here.