complaints about hearing spouses
When people with hearing loss get together socially, one
of the topics that frequently comes up is the things that their spouses
do that drive them nuts! As you might expect (or maybe not) many of the
complaints are common to many couples affected by hearing loss. Here are
some of the most frequently heard complaints.
By the way, if you'd like your favorite story listed
here, please send it to me at larry@hearinglossweb.com.
My spouse says, "Never
mind!" or "It's not important!"
My
spouse is always "shushing" me
My
spouse always answers for me
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For the most part, my wife is pretty supportive of my
hearing loss. She seems to understand the impact that not hearing well
has on my life, and she tries to help when she can. For example, she
makes phone calls for me without complaint, even though I know she
really doesn't like making phone calls, even for herself.
But one thing she does that really bothers me is say,
"Never mind." We've talked about this several times, and she
always agrees to not do it any more. Sometimes she goes for a long time
without saying those hated words - months, or even a year. But then
something happens, she opens her mouth, out pops, "Never
mind", and I get angry!
This normally happens when I'm tired and irritable
already, usually in the evening after an especially hard day. So I may
over-react. But those two words just make me crazy.
It usually starts off innocently enough. Judy says
something that I don't understand. I give her my "huh?" look
and she says it again. One more "huh?" from me, one more
unintelligible sentence from her, another "huh?" look, and she
says, "Never mind!"
By that time, of course, I REALLY want to know what
she's saying! It's become something of a personal challenge, and the
last thing I want is for the potential to solve the puzzle to be ripped
away from me. Her unilateral communications shutdown makes me feel like
a child whose mommy just took away his favorite toy!
As I said, I may be over-reacting, but this really sets
me off! I know it's frustrating for her to have to repeat something
several times and still not be understood.
The last time this happened, after the eruption and cool
down, we had a good discussion about how to avoid this situation in the
future. The hard part is that the situation evolves very naturally for
both of us, and we get into trouble almost before we know what happened.
So we both agreed to try to be aware of the developing situation and
deal with it before it gets out of control.
I'm going to try to recognize the threatening storm
before the second "huh?" and be proactive about preventing it.
If there's background noise, I'll suggest we fix that before continuing.
Or I'll ask her to write it for me, or maybe explicit ask for her to
rephrase it.
Judy will do the same from her end - try to recognize
the developing situation and suggest a solution before we get in
trouble.
It all seems like a big production for what is probably
an inconsequential bit of information. But it's not really about the bit
of information. It's about having control of our communication and
ensuring that we do whatever we can to keep the communication lines
open.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One of my biggest problems since losing my hearing is
that I never know how loud I am. I talk in what I think is a normal
voice, but sometimes it's too loud or too soft - mostly too loud!
That can be embarrassing when we're out in public, and
my husband tried to help by "shushing" me - you know, holding
his finger to his mouth and saying, "SHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"
Anyone who wasn't already looking at me because of my
loud voice immediately turned to see who was being shushed and why! I
think that's waaaaaay more embarrassing than talking a little loud. And
it made me feel like his child rather than his wife.
So we came up with a couple of subtle signals that he
can use to let me know that I should raise or lower my voice. Rubbing
his wrist is my signal to lower my voice, and scratching his neck is my
signal to raise my voice. Of course, he has to get my attention and
"direct" it to the signal, and that takes a bit of practice
for both of us. But we're getting it, and it sure beats, "SHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife is the sweetest person in the world, and she's
always doing things to help people, including me. I really appreciate
most of the things she does, but one thing that is starting to annoy me
is her habit of always answering for me. If we're shopping and the clerk
asks me a question, she responds, rather than letting me respond. Most
of the time she gives the answer I would have given, so that's not the
problem. It just makes me feel unimportant, almost like I'm not even
there!
She's been doing it for years now, and I guess
it's partly my fault. I've had a hearing loss for probably 20 years.
It's been slowly getting worse, and I didn't do anything about it until
about a year ago. Then I got hearing aids.
Before I had
my aids, I was often unaware that someone was even talking to me. I'm
sure that's when my wife started answering for me. It was just easier
than trying to get my attention, tell me what the person said, etc. I
guess I knew she was doing it, but I didn't really think about it that
much.
But now I hear them when they talk to me, and I
want to answer myself. We've talked about it, and she's perfectly
willing to let me talk for myself. But old habits are hard to break, and
she just automatically answers for me! We'll keep working on it!
