Growing a Healthy "Hybrid" Relationship - Part 2

By Laine Waggoner, M.A., M.S.

Part One

Innovate & Customize

How do we successfully convey not only our hopes and dreams but also the stresses and strains of daily living? Rex and I fervently promote one idea: Do whatever works. Here are a few of the solutions that we have created to address our communication challenges.

Getting my attention: As I rely heavily on speechreading to understand what people are saying, others must alert me so I can look at their face as they talk. That may mean that I must be prepared to interrupt a task or activity already underway. It may also mean that the person initiating the conversation has to physically come to me. In fact, I think that is the polite thing to do.
It took a while for me to explain these realities to Rex. After learning not to try to talk to me from another room, he began poking me to get my attention when I was engrossed in a task. This annoyed me because it seemed to indicate impatience. We discussed an alternative and soon he began touching me gently and waiting for me to reach a stopping point.

Sometimes he goes a step further and kisses me on the back of the neck. Now, that gets my attention! We've creatively replaced irritation with fun and potential romance.

Using Supplemental Technology: As my hearing loss increased, I found myself retreating from the things I enjoyed most, like parties, the theater, etc., and I was dragging my gregarious husband away with me. I stopped the cycle through the use of assistive listening devices. Once again we can both engage in and enjoy social and community activities.

There is also a new technology available in the offices of some hearing health professionals that allows both partners to actually see how the hearing aids are working. This tool graphically illustrates how well the HOH partner's hearing aids match their audiogram. The visual impression may add to your hearing partner's understanding of your experience.

Finding Support: An excellent resource for overcoming the communication hurdle is involvement in a hearing loss support group. Through their participation, HOH individuals can build skills in assertiveness and empowerment with the additional benefit of reducing feelings of isolation. Armed with newfound strength as well as information about hearing loss, they are equipped to assertively enhance their relationships through open communication and developing creative strategies.

I counsel many mature adults new to hearing loss who frequently report that hearing family members cause them the greatest emotional pain. Few adult children have the information, patience or perspective to appreciate the challenges experienced by their frustrated parents. But when their parents involve them in discussion groups or at least share what they have learned through participating, better communication is the result.

In spite of our lengthy journey, Rex and I still consider ourselves "works in progress" in our continuing attempt to communicate openly and effectively while keeping our sense of humor. We are certain that many readers face similar challenges and are developing their own creative solutions. Whatever their shape or form, the most important part is developing and revising them together.

Sidebar:

He (is hearing) Says:

First get the listener's attention. Face the listener at a distance of six feet or less and use lots of eye contact. Make sure the light is on your face, not coming from behind you.

Take care with your speech. Don't shout but speak clearly at a moderate pace. Avoid vocal monotony. Use facial expressions, hand gestures or visual aids to convey meaning. Never speak with something in or covering your mouth.

State the topic at the outset of the conversation and whenever the subject changes.

Ask (tactfully) for feedback to be sure you are understood. Ask what else you can do to communicate more effectively.

NEVER say "Never mind, it's not important." A reluctance to make the effort to clarify a communication can be interpreted as "I don't care enough about you," which can negatively affect the HOH person's feelings of self-worth.

HOH partners' ability to understand may fluctuate, depending upon stress, fatigue or illness and may affect their emotions, moods and level of concentration. Watch for the emotional content of what is said and unsaid. Encourage talk about feelings and challenges.

Be mindful of how family and friends can unintentionally be insensitive or unhelpful.

Maintain a sense of humor at all times.

She (is HOH) Says:

Whoever initiates the conversation goes to the listener. Seek a quiet space with no background noise and few visual distractions. Face people when they speak to you and position yourself so you can easily see their face and lips.

Tell others not to shout but to speak clearly at a moderate pace with simple sentences. Learn speechreading to take advantage of visual cues. Ask for written cues if needed.

In conversations, be attentive, try not to interrupt and attempt to follow the flow to gain meaning.

Be an active listener. Provide and get feedback about what you understood or missed.

Do not bluff. Admit when you do not understand. Ask the speaker to repeat or rephrase if you do not understand the first time.

Tell others if you are unwell, fatigued or too distracted to concentrate. Share all the ways that your hearing loss affects you.

Enlist your spouse and family members as communication partners. Remember that your loved ones will find that changing communication behaviors of a lifetime is a very daunting task.

Ditto! And remember that people are human and they forget.