Successful Coping Attributes of Hearing Impaired
We were fortunate to have Edna Shipley-Conner as one of our
presenters at the recent 2000 SayWhatClub Conference in San Diego. Her
presentation on the Successful Coping Attributes of the Hearing Impaired
created a lot of discussion at the time and considerably more on the
SayWhatClub discussion lists for some time afterwards. I tried
unsuccessfully to record all the wonderful information in her
presentation, but here is what I was able to capture.
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In the mid-1980s Dr. Laurel Glass and Holly Elliot researched the
common attributes of a group of people who did well coping with their
hearing loss. The subjects were nominated by various hearing loss
groups, who may be in the best position to know who really does a good
job of coping on a day-to-day basis. They found that successful people
had three things in common: forthrightness, expediency, and dominance.
Forthrightness
The word "forthrightness" means unpretentiousness, open,
direct, or straightforward, as opposed to diplomatic, polished,
calculating, or shrewd. The most important expression of this trait is
to share your hearing loss with others. Don't make them read your mind
or try to second-guess you. Tell them upfront about your hearing loss
and what they can do to facilitate communications.
If you are not comfortable telling people about your hearing loss,
you need to try various ways of describing yourself until you find one
that you are comfortable with. Edna doesn't like the term "hard of
hearing" or the term "hearing impaired"; to her, these
terms seem vague, and they fail to describe how to communicate with her.
She prefers to tell people, "I'm almost deaf. Please look at me
when you speak." She believes that phrase works for her, and she is
comfortable using it. She also thinks that phrase may be particularly
appropriate for people who, like her, are able to communicate in sign
language.
You may or may not be comfortable with that phrase. If you are,
great! If not, keep looking until you find a description that fits you.
Edna mentioned that a friend of hers likes the phrase, "I use a
hearing aid." An audience member offered the following phrase,
which works for her. "I have blurry hearing. I need you to look at
me and speak clearly. Don't shout."
Once you have found YOUR phrase, you need to practice until you can
say that phrase openly and directly.
It's also important to tell people what they can do to facilitate
communications. Note that both Edna and the person from the audience
told the hearing person how to help them communicate.
Expediency
A second trait of people who cope well is expediency, which often
looks like "breaking the rules". Expediency means using
something when it is necessary to achieve a specific goal. This is in
contrast to traits like conforming, moralistic, staid, and rule-bound.
Expediency is a difficult trait for people, because it tends to go
against the behavior that we are often taught from a very early age.
Edna gave an example of staying in line and waiting your turn. That's
something that most of us learn in kindergarten, and we would never
think of butting in line ahead of our place. But in some cases, it's the
appropriate thing to do.
Suppose you're in a long line at your gate at the airport, and you
hear an announcement; you have no idea what the announcement said.
You've been standing in that line for twenty minutes, and it's now
twenty minutes before your flight is due to depart. What do you do?
In that situation, it is perfectly reasonable to go to the front of
the line, get the attention of the clerk, and tell them your situation.
Explain that you have a hearing loss (or however you like to explain)
and couldn't understand the announcement, but your plane leaves in
twenty minutes, and you'd like to know what you should do. The clerk
might very well have been asking for people on that flight to come to
the front of the line and get checked in.
That's just one simple example of how it may be necessary for you to
"break the rules" because your needs are different that those
of the hearing majority. It may be painful the first few times you do
it. But it won't be nearly as painful as staying in line while your
plane takes off without you!
Dominance
The third trait of people who cope well is dominance. That's another
one that you may have trouble with. People have learned to think of
dominance as a bad trait that should be avoided. Maybe that's not always
true!
Dominance includes traits like assertive, aggressive, stubborn,
competitive, and bossy, as opposed to submissive, passive, humble, mild,
and accommodating. Edna pointed out that it's important to walk the fine
line that includes both taking care of yourself and respecting others.
She emphasized the need for assertive behavior as defined by Robert
Albetti and Michael L. Emmons in their book "Your Perfect
Right". "Assertive behavior promotes equality in human
relationships, enabling us to act on our own best interests, to stand up
for ourselves without undue anxiety, to express feelings honestly and
comfortably, and to exercise personal rights without denying the rights
of others."
Note that the difference between assertive behavior and aggressive
behavior is in the phrase "without denying the rights of
others". Aggressive behavior results when one is thinking only of
himself, thus ignoring other people. While people will respect and
admire you for assertive behavior, they will dislike and avoid you for
aggressive behavior.
Conclusion
Remember these three words as keys to successful coping:
forthrightness, expediency, and dominance. And next time you're in a
difficult situation, see how you can use those behaviors to help
yourself out.
