Grieving over Hearing Loss
In her 1969 book entitled "On Death and Dying", a renowned
Swiss-American psychiatrist named Elisabeth Kubler Ross presented the
five psychological stages that terminally ill people go through -
denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. It was later
realized by professionals and laymen alike that people often experience
these same stages as they cope with other losses. Of particular interest
to us, of course, is the fact that people respond to their hearing loss
with these same emotions.
The first stage in the grieving process is denial. In "On Death
and Dying", Kubler-Ross states, "Denial functions as a buffer
after unexpected shocking news, allows the patient to collect himself
and, with time, mobilize other, less radical defenses ... Denial is
usually a partial defense and will soon be replaced with partial
acceptance." In the case of hearing loss, recognizing the loss may
be the hardest part, especially if the loss is gradual. Reduced hearing
ability is often first recognized by a friend or relative. In many
cases, the person with hearing loss refuses to accept his hearing loss;
it is easier for him to believe that almost everyone is mumbling than it
is for him to believe that his hearing has declined.
When a person is no longer able to deny his hearing loss, the denial
is often replaced with feelings of anger, rage, frustration, envy, and
resentment. People may express their emotions by lashing out at one and
all. They may be especially angry at the people who are most trying to
help them. They often resent those who have normal hearing. This can be
an especially difficult time for friends and family. In the face of what
might become unjustified personal attacks, friends and family members
must try to not take it personally. Realizing that this is a normal part
of the adjustment process may help.
Kubler-Ross argues that the third stage of bargaining "...is
really an attempt to postpone..." For a person with hearing loss,
postponement may be applied to getting a hearing test or a hearing aid.
This can be an especially difficult time for friends and family, because
it may seem that the person with hearing loss is starting to accept
their situation, but is unwilling to do anything about it.
Kubler-Ross describes the fourth stage (depression) as follows.
"... when the ... patient can no longer deny his illness, when he
is forced to undergo more surgery or hospitalization, when he begins to
have more symptoms ... he cannot smile it off anymore. His numbness or
stoicism, his anger and rage will soon be replaced with a sense of great
loss ..." For the person with hearing loss, as for the person with
a terminal illness, the realization of his condition causes depression.
He will almost certainly grieve for his lost hearing and all that it
brought him, and he may lose hope. He may also gradually withdraw from
contact with friends and family. Employment changes may also result.
Hopefully, a person with hearing loss will eventually reach the final
stage of acceptance. Kubler-Ross states, "If a patient has had
enough time ... and has been given some help in working through the
previously described stages, he will reach a stage during which he is
neither depressed nor angry about his 'fate'. He will have been able to
express his previous feelings, his envy ... [and] his anger ... He will
have mourned the impending loss ..." Many people are ready to look
for ways to deal with their hearing loss only after they reach this
final stage. This may explain why only a small fraction of the people
who could benefit from hearing aids wear one.
For the friends and family members, it is crucial to understand this
last point. It may be perfectly obvious to them that their loved one's
hearing loss is causing all sorts of difficulties, and that a hearing
aid could alleviate much of his pain. But until the person with the
hearing loss arrives at his own acceptance, he will probably not be
willing or able to take that step.
