Healing Relationships Hurt by Hearing Loss
by Laine and Rex Waggoner
I was thrilled to see several workshops at ALDACON 2000 that
addressed the hearing family members as well as the person with hearing
loss. One of the best of these was Laine and Rex Waggoners'
"Healing Relationships Hurt by Hearing Loss". Laine and Rex
use a variety of formats to examine the relationship between a person
with hearing loss and her hearing spouse.
Laine discussed her journey through hearing loss, which included
losing the ability to continue enjoying activities as she previously
had, and a subsequent period of withdrawal. With Rex's help, she was
able to find her way out of that situation. She went on to get a degree
in counseling and is now working to help others with hearing loss and
their families.
Rex has been a part of Laine's journey throughout their thirty-five
years of marriage. Their relationship has taught him to replace
impatience with patience, anger with humor, and isolation with intimacy.
Rex recently retired and is now working with Laine to support those
affected by hearing loss.
Their workshop is focused on analyzing behaviors that work and those
that don't. They use a combination of skits, cartoons, discussion, and
audience involvement to present the issues and lessons. I've tried to
think of a way to convey the diversity that adds so much to their
presentation, but my linear mind doesn't work that way. So I'll just
list them and let you all try to imagine how they might have presented
these ideas <g>.
1. If you are having problems in your relationship, try to focus on
what attracted you to your spouse in the first place. We all have
annoying behaviors, and it's easy to focus on those, rather than on the
qualities that we love and admire. If you and your spouse loved each
other before, chances are good that you can rekindle that love.
2. How you cope is the key to your quality of life. Positive things
will happen to you, and negative things. You may have more than your
"fair share" of either. The important thing is not what
happens to you, but how you cope with it.
3. Set up communication to maximize the possibility of success.
People with hearing loss are normally exhausted in the evening, because
they have spent the entire day trying to communicate, lipread, mentally
fill in the blanks, etc. Don't try to have an important conversation at
9PM; have it at 7AM, when you're both fresh and can concentrate on the
topic, rather than the mechanics of communication.
4. If you are tired and just not getting it, be nice to yourself. It
doesn't mean that you're dumb or lazy. It's just that you're TIRED.
Laine likes to describe these situations as her brain playing tricks on
her. Personally, I attribute them to "senior moments"
<g>.
5. Many of the ailments you feel may be related to your hearing loss
and your efforts to compensate for it. Headaches, backaches,
irritability, upset stomach, etc. may all be related to your efforts to
accommodate your hearing loss. Try to be aware of this and consider how
you manage your hearing loss as part of the treatment.
6. Some people can't wear hearing aids all the time. It's important
for hearing family members to be sensitive to this situation.
7. It's easy for the person with hearing loss to become dependant on
a hearing family member. All family members must be vigilant to avoid
this development.
8. When approaching relationship issues, engage in joint problem
solving in a friendly, clear-headed way. Don't approach these situations
as a win/lose situation, but try to find a win/win solution.
9. Recognize which problems can be solved and which cannot. It's
important to be able to agree to disagree on some issues.
10. Everyone's feelings are 100% valid, because those are their
feelings. Don't dismiss or undermine those feelings.
11. It is sometimes helpful to explain how a situation makes you
feel, rather than just asking for a change in behavior. For example, if
a hearing spouse often says, "Never mind" when the person with
hearing loss doesn't understand the first time, just asking them not to
do that may be ineffective. It may be much more effective to explain
that it makes you feel unimportant, unloved, or whatever you feel.
12. Remember that people are only human. Most of them do the best
they can, but they will forget.
13. People with hearing loss shouldn't expect to get everything.
14. Maintain a positive attitude.
You can contact Laine and Rex via email at LaineWaggoner@aol.com
