Critical Incident Stress Management
Part 2

Presented by Margie English

This is part two of two parts.

Here's Part One

One successful coping strategy you might want to remember is indicated by the term "DEARMAN", where each letter represents a phrase that guides you towards resolution. The phrases are:

Describe the situation

Express feelings or opinions

Assert wishes

Reinforce with a positive statement

Mindful of you objective

Appear confident

Negotiate for a solution

Let's suppose your officemate is a messy person and you're a neat person. That could easily lead to ongoing conflict that could become very stressful. To resolve that situation you might use the DEARMAN strategy.

First you would describe the situation. That might include piles of papers everywhere, no place to walk in the office, etc.

Then you should express your feelings or opinions. You may feel boxed in by the paper piles.

Next you should assert your wishes. You'd really like to see the place stay clean. Maybe it would be possible to straighten the office up every day before everyone goes home.

Then reinforce with a positive statement. You might tell your office mate that his friendship is really important to you and you'd really like to continue as his office mate, so you really hope the two of you can work this out.

Stay mindful of your objective. If your officemate becomes defensive or starts to attack you, remember that your objective is to resolve the issue of the messy office.

Remember to appear confident. If you come across like a wimp, chances are that your office mate will walk all over you.

Finally negotiate for a solution. Perhaps your office mate can't stand the thought of straightening up every night before going home. But maybe we'd agree to doing it first thing in the morning, or at noon, or every other day. Have alternate solutions ready for discussion.

Getting back to having a Plan B, it's important to realize that Plan B is a separate alternative from Plan A, not a reduction in some aspect(s) of Plan A. Getting back to the scenario of the messy office mate, if the office mate refuses to accommodate your needs, it's important for you to look at other options, which might include one of you moving to a different office.

Here are some good resources that Margie used to prepare this presentation:

"The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get a Yes" by William Vry

"Little Black Book of Connections" by Jeffrey Gitomer

"Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder" by Marsha Linehan

"Conflict Management for Women" Skillpath (r) Seminars

"The Hills and Valleys of Soul Trauma"

Q. Because of my hearing loss I often don't know how loud I'm speaking, and some people think I'm angry if I'm speaking loud. Then I get upset and the whole thing escalates. Any suggestions?

A. I think it's up to you to prevent the escalation. Perhaps you could explain that you don't know how loud you're speaking and thank the other person for letting you know you're speaking to loudly.

Q. It bothers me that I have to keep reminding people how to talk to me.

A. I know it gets tiring, but you have to keep reminding people if you want to keep the lines of communication open. If you don't do that, you'll find yourself withdrawing.

Q. My spouse thinks that all my communications problems are voluntary and all my memory issues are because of Alzheimer's. How can I convince her that neither of these things is true?

A. Perhaps by explaining that communications is a two-way street, and that both parties have to work to make it successful. Also, perhaps you could write things down so you don't forget as often.

Q. My wife works in the hearing world and when she comes home at night, she expects me to act like a hearing person.

A. It's pretty common for family members to need continual reminders of the fact that we don't hear well and what they can do to help us understand. You have to just keep reminding them in a nice way. If you become offensive, they will become defensive.