How to Avoid Unhealthy Responses to the Challenge of Hearing Loss - Part 2

Presented by Denise and Terry Portis

This is part two of two parts.

Here's Part One

So how does someone get on the wrong path? Is there an acknowledged sequence of steps that people often take? Here's a natural progression that many people follow. (This progression focuses on hearing loss, but is really applicable to any serious life issue.)

- A person gets ambushed by a change that he doesn't like (hearing loss).

- He becomes angry about this unwanted situation. In the case of hearing loss, he just wants it to go away so he can have a normal conversation in a restaurant.

- He becomes anxious and experiences a feeling of dread, especially when he thinks about his future and how hearing loss will affect it.

- He becomes fatigued. In the case of hearing loss, it's due to both the struggle to communicate and the anxiety about the hearing loss.

- He becomes irritable. It seems that people just don't understand and just don't care.

- He becomes isolated, existing on a self-made island. He honestly feels that the people in his life just don't care. This brings to mind an old Jewish proverb that states, "Anyone who goes too far alone goes mad."

- Because he is hurt he starts to hurt others. He becomes hypervigilant, looking for reasons to become angry and turning minor annoyances into big deals.

It's important for everyone, especially those whose lives are affected by hearing loss, to realize that hearing loss is a major, life-altering experience!

Communications is the most important part of any relationship; when easy communications is lost, everything changes. The entire dynamics of a family changes. The kids may start making telephone calls for the parent; there may be a power shift in the relationship as the person with hearing loss becomes more dependent.

So I always ask what we're doing for family members of people with hearing loss. I don't think we've done much, and we need to do better. We really haven't even done a very good job of reaching people with hearing loss, so I guess it's not too surprising that we haven't reached family members.

Denise noted that they started having family discussions about hearing loss a couple of years ago, and she played part of a discussion that she had taped. Denise is asking questions and her children (daughter Kyersten, aged 17 and son Chris, aged 16) are responding.

Q. What was different about growing up with a mother with hearing loss?

K: I remember when I was pretty young and over at a friend's house and the phone would ring, I'd go tell the mother that it was ringing. I didn't realize that I didn't have to do that!

C: It was a little frustrating having to touch her shoulder to get her attention before I could talk to her. It was also difficult to communicate in public when there was a lot of background noise.

Q. Was there ever a time when you felt that my hearing loss affected me or you in a negative way?

K: You never wanted to go out to eat. I think it really affected your social life, and also ours.

C: When I was younger, you'd say, "You don't understand, because you're hearing and I'm deaf." It really hurt me to think I couldn't understand.

Q. Did my hearing loss affect you in any positive ways?

K: I think I have more empathy for all people with disabilities. Also, I think it's made me more confident, and I've learned to look people in the eye when I talk to them.

C: I have more appreciation of hearing loss. I've also become very careful about protecting my hearing. I no longer listen to loud music or go to loud concerts. I used to leave concerts with my ears ringing!

Denise received counseling for her bulimia, and read several books, and came to realize that her bulimia wasn't really about weight loss. It was about hearing loss! With no control over her hearing loss, she seized on the opportunity to have something she could control!

She found HLAA just when her counseling ended, and it really was a Godsend. Now she tries to make her hearing loss really visible. She wears sparkles on her CI and has a hearing dog. Her dog gives her a lot of opportunity to educate people about hearing loss, because they ask her about the dog. Denise finds that most people want to learn how to communicate with her.

Denise thanks God every day for her hearing loss. Some people criticize her for that attitude, but her hearing loss has really brought her a lot of joy. There have been some tough times, as well, of course, but she is now really joyful!

Denise encouraged the audience members to take every opportunity to educate people about hearing loss.

In the following Q&A session, D represents Denise, T is Terry, and C is a comment from an audience member.

Q. I was born with hearing loss and had hearing aids from an early age, and some of the kids teased me about them. What can you say about coping mechanisms for people who were born with hearing loss?

D: When I first got my hearing aids I wouldn't wear my hair up. But when someone saw my hearing aids and asked about them, I took it as an opportunity to educate them. Most young people are really interested in learning, so I think that you, as a young person, have a real opportunity to help yourself and them by educating them.

C. I grew up in a different generation, and my classmates were basically hateful. I'm 52 now, and many of them are starting to lose their hearing. That's sweet revenge!

C. I'm fortunate, like Denise, to have a loving and caring husband who has been very supportive. I hear so many stories about family members being embarrassed by hearing loss, so I'm thankful to have such a warm, loving family.

Q. I was diagnosed with hearing loss in the eighth grade and learned to speechread. I've shared my hearing loss with people my entire life and really never thought it was such a big deal.

D: That's a wonderful attitude. It was meeting people with that kind of attitude when I joined HLAA that really helped me. So thank you!

Q. Can you talk about the process of getting a CI?

T: Denise may not admit it, but I really talked her into getting one. She didn't even want to be tested, because that was her last hope to hear again, and it would have been devastating if she wasn't a candidate.

C: I got a CI two years ago, and I was reluctant too. I think people become comfortable with their hearing loss and don't want to change. The reason I ended up getting a CI was because I couldn't hear my grandchildren cry when I was babysitting them.