Stand by Me - Part One

Editor: We've been seeing more information in the last few years about the effect of hearing loss on a person's partner, and also on how a partner can help a person deal with her hearing loss. Two couples affected by hearing loss explore these topics in this workshop.

This is part one of two parts.

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Gloria Garner introduced this presentation with some observations on the communications challenges we all face, regardless of our hearing status. She focused particularly on what she called the cultural divide between men and women, which she said was almost like the divide between communications styles of different cultures.

She noted that women talk to establish and maintain relationships, that conversation is for them a method of sharing and learning from others. Women consider conversation to be the essence of a relationship and use it to achieve balance and commonality. Conversations among women are characterized by frequent expressions of sympathy and support, and by probing to understand feelings.

Men, on the other hand, view talking as a tool for problem solving and for gathering information. They tend to keep their problems to themselves, and ask fewer questions than women. Gloria noted that an exception sometimes occurs when men are working together on a primarily physical task. In these situations men seem more willing to engage in more prolonged conversations.

Gloria then noted five significant versions of what someone says that should be kept in mind during a conversation. They are:
- what the person meant to say
- what the person actually said
- what the listener heard
- what the listener thinks he heard
- what the listener says about what the speaker said

Val and Willy Stern

Val began this portion of the presentation by describing some examples and characteristics of negative and positive communications.

Negative communications are characterized by:
- frustration, which affects both the person with hearing loss and the hearing partner
- blaming, as in "Why don't you just wear your hearing aid?"
- 'never mind' - a phrase that often makes the person with hearing loss feel excluded and unimportant
- lack of empathy, which can be due to that fact that hearing loss is difficult for a person to explain and difficult for a hearing partner to understand

Positive communications are characterized by:
- getting the partner's attention - don't start talking until the person with hearing loss is focused on you
- articulation by the hearing person, but not to be overdone
- rephrasing - if the person with hearing loss doesn't understand a sentence after a couple of attempts, say it in a different way
- signs or mime - both formal signing and invented gestures can be effective communications tools
- speak minimally - if one person is feeling a lot of stress or there is a lot of background noise, don't try to have a lengthy conversation
- quiet environment - find a quiet place to talk

Good communications between a person with hearing loss and a hearing partner require appropriate behaviors on both parts. The hearing partner has to demonstrate patience and understanding and should be mindful of the environment. He must also be vigilant about helping the person with hearing loss to remain independent. This means he should encourage her to do things for herself, even if it's easier for him to do them.

It's also important for the hearing partner to make eye contact with the person with hearing loss. One of the important reasons for this is that it's one of the best ways to detect when she is bluffing!

Additional tips for the hearing partner are to be supportive, resist the temptation to engage in inter-room dialog, and assist the person with hearing loss to follow the conversation when required (e.g., when there are several people involved, or lots of background noise).

The top tip for the hard of hearing person is to not bluff! A second tip is to be assertive and take charge of the communications. You should also challenge yourself by doing things that get you outside your comfort zone. Val, for example, hates baby showers, because of all the communications challenges they entail. Yet she continues to attend them, because she knows they force her to stretch her abilities.

Another tip for the hard of hearing person is to be sure to communicate your feelings to your partner. If you went to a party and you didn't have a good time, TELL HIM! And then the two of you can try to determine what the issue was and what you can do to overcome that issue the next time.

Another good tip is to take breaks when you need them. People who depend even partially on speechreading get tired quickly, and you need to give your eyes and your mind a rest.

Willy picked up the narrative with his perceptions of their journey. He noted that both he and Val have always believed that the communications motto should be "Whatever works!" Regarding how he interacts with Val, his goal is to help when he can, without enabling.

Willy recalls that he knew she was hard of hearing when he picked her up on a blind date. So he brought a laptop, and also paper and pen, in case they would be required for communication. Early on in their relationship he wondered if her hearing loss would be an agent of exclusion, if it would distance her from family and friends.

They had captioning at their wedding, and Val's hearing limited their social engagements. Parties with more than four people were out of the question.

They decided that it was time for a cochlear implant (CI), and made it through the surgery. They had the usual pre-surgery questions and concerns. The month until hookup was a stressful time, because Val's ear had ossification that prevented full insertion of the electrode array. So there was some question of how well the CI would work for her. Naturally, Willy was thrilled when it was clear that Val was able to hear the initial beeps!

They viewed rehabilitation as a partnership. Willy would read to Val and she would try to repeat it. They worked together on talking on the phone. On walks Willy would identify the source of the sounds that Val didn't recognize. Val spent a lot of time watching soap operas. They're great rehab tools, because there's no music and a lot of face shots.

Things have become much better since Val's implant. They are now able to attend movies, Val is regaining independence on the phone, and they are taking advantage of more social opportunities.