Deaf Hearing Couples
Here's our coverage of the deaf/hearing couples workshop at the
SayWhatClub 2007 National Convention. It was a wonderful convention. Our
full coverage begins here.
Introduction
This panel consisted of four couples, all of whom had been married
for at least 25 years. In addition, the moderator was the hearing half
of a deaf-hearing marriage, and she and her husband also added their
thoughts. The couples will be referred to as A, B. C, D, and E, and the
husbands and wives as H and W. Thus the husband of the third couple will
be CH, and the wife of the fifth couple will be EW. The husband of
couple A and E have hearing loss; the wife of couples B and C have
hearing loss; both members of couple D have hearing loss.
~~~~~~~
What did your family and friends say to encourage you or dissuade you
from marrying a deaf or hard of hearing person?
This question didn't apply to some couples, because they were both
hearing when they got married.
CH: My family was entirely supportive.
EW: My family wasn't supportive. My husband was several years older than
I, and they wanted to know why I was marrying such an old man. Also, I
was the first person in my family to go to college, so they thought I
should marry a doctor or a lawyer.
~~~~~~~
What frustrations did you face in your early days together?
AH: For me trying to hear in groups was the hardest thing. Eventually
we just cut back on our social life and our group of friends.
AW: That wasn't so much an issue for me. I had friends of my own and I
continued to see them.
BW: I've always been an extrovert and I suddenly became an introvert. It
was just the opposite for BH. He had always been introverted and he had
to become more extroverted.
CW: I found it very hard to try to hear, so I just tuned things out.
Social functions were hard. I left work because I couldn't hear. Now
that I have bilateral CIs, I'm hearing so well and getting back into
things.
CH: It really curtailed our social life; I could see how uncomfortable
she was. She thought others were discourteous, because they didn't
converse with her. I thought the problem was partially because she
became so withdrawn. I also didn't like having to answer the phone and
the door all the time. It was hard for me to remember not to speak with
my hand near my mouth. I struggled with that for a long time.
DW: It was hard when our kids were babies. We lived by a train track,
and every time the train went by, the baby alert would go off.
DH: I had to use the phone at work. I had an amplified phone and a light
to alert when the phone rang. But the light was too distracting to
co-workers, so we had to take it out. It's better now with all the new
technology. I use a speakerphone and that works pretty well.
EW: My husband grew up Deaf and signs. For the first 20 years I didn't
sign, so that was pretty tough. I was a family person, and he didn't
want to go to see my family, because he couldn't understand when
everyone was talking. We had some big fights over that.
~~~~~~~
Does the hearing spouse handle the communications, and does that
create any problems? Are there control issues with that?
AH: I've done most of the communicating with the cars and other
things. But as my hearing loss continued to decline, she has taken over
more of the phone. I don't think there's a control issue.
AW: The car repairmen tend to take advantage of a woman, so we try to
work together on that.
BW: Tom does the business calls, because I can't hear well on the phone.
I do try to talk to our kids when they call.
CW: He used to handle the calls, because I couldn't hear. Now that I
have CIs I'm doing more of my own calling.
DH: It's different for us because we both have hearing loss. We do the
best we can and rely on each other. We both use the speakerphone and
that works pretty well.
DW: At work we use email as much as possible.
EW: We had a TTY, but he used the hunt and peck method, so I did most of
the TTY calls, because I was a lot faster. We got rid of the TTY and got
a fax years ago. Now, of course, he uses video relay.
~~~~~~~
Do you each have outside friends and interests? If so, what
percentage?
AH: We have separate friends. Most of our social time together is
with family.
AW: When I have friends over, he usually goes to another room.
BW: We do most social things together, except my involvement with the
SayWhatClub.
CW: We have separate friends, but it has nothing to do with hearing
loss. We also socialize together.
DW: I'd say 90% together, with family, friends, and church.
EW: Most of my social life is in the Deaf world, so it's mostly
together.
~~~~~~~
What was your relationship with your children like when they were
growing up? Did hearing loss impact that?
AH: I don't think hearing loss had much impact on how we raised out
kids.
BW: My 3 kids really had different mothers, because my hearing loss
progressed a lot between them. Our third child speaks very loudly,
because she had to for me to understand her. Her kids speak loudly, as
well. One very frustrating event I remember is when my daughter got off
the school bus crying, and I couldn't understand what the problem was.
CW: Our kids were pretty much grown when my hearing loss started, so
that wasn't an issue.
DW: We both sign and our kids never picked that up, so that was good at
Christmas.
DH: They could take advantage of the fact that we couldn't hear. One was
sneaking out at night for awhile.
EW: I did most of the childrearing. One event he had to attend was the
father-daughter banquet, and our daughter was just beaming because he
took her there. We later asked her if she ever felt embarrassed at
having a father who couldn't hear. She replied that the other kids
thought it was cool that she knew sign language so she never felt bad
about it.
~~~~~~~
What impact did hearing loss have on intimacy? I don't mean just sex.
AH: Well, we don't whisper in bed!
BH: You don't need good ears to be intimate.
BW: We have our own tactile signals for simple things that we can use in
the dark.
CW: I can't think of any issues.
~~~~~~~
This is a question for the hearing spouses. One of the first things
you learned was that you can't call to your spouse from another room,
because they can't hear you. What do you do when they call you from
another room?
BH: I usually go and answer her.
AW: I usually go to him. Sometimes I'll answer from where I am!
CH: I go running. But I get even because sometimes she doesn't hear me
and I scare the crap out of her.
~~~~~~~
Do you have any advice for other deaf/hearing couples?
AH: Keep it simple for quality communications. And give the other
person your full attention; you can't be doing other things when you're
trying to communicate.
BH: You need patience, understanding, and education.
BW: Make sure that the person with hearing loss uses all of the
available technology to make life easier.
CW: Admit that you have hearing loss and do whatever you can to deal
with it.
CH: Get involved with the SayWhatClub. She did and I got involved and we
both learned so much about how to deal with hearing loss.
DH: Tell people upfront that you have hearing loss.
EW: Become best friends first.
